Song : Porridge
Artist : Season1 Episode1 New Faces, Old Hands
Lyric :

00:01 Judge:
Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court.
And it is now my duty to pass sentence.
You are a habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard.
And presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner.
We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences.
You will go to prison for five years.

01:31 Mr. Mackay:
Three new arrivals, Mr Leach.
Heslop, Cyril.
41, three years, robbery, third stretch.
Thick as two short planks.
Didn't also for that one.
Godber, Leonard.
23, first offender, two years, breaking and entering.
Seems somewhat naive.
Could be corrupted, possibly by this one
Fletcher, Norman Stanley.
42, five years.
He is among I brought up from Brixton.
Knows the score, sir.
Done a lot of bird.
Water off a duck's back.
I'll be watching that one.

02:12 Mr. Mackay:
What a beautiful day for the time of year.
Quite astonishing.
Beautiful day.

02:20 Fletcher:
Oh, lovely.

(laughter)

02:22 Fletcher:
Perhaps we can go out later on for a cycle ride.

(laughter)

02:25 Mr. Mackay:
You don't know the saying about New Year's Day?
Whatever you do on the first day of the year, you'll do all the year round.
In the case of you, three gentlemen, that is powerfully true.
You, laddie.
You, Mr Godber.
First time, isn't it?
You must be wondering what an average day in prison is like.
Tell him, Fletcher.

02:46 Fletcher:
Exactly like the day before, Mr. Mackay.

02:48 Mr. Mackay:
The voice of experience.
And tell him how the average day begins.

02:56 Fletcher:
Starts off 7am.
You'll be woken by a persistent and deafening bell.
Then all the screws come round.

03:01 Mr. Mackay:
What may come?
Pardon?

03:03 Fletcher:
All the prison officers come round.

03:04 Mr. Mackay:
Better.

03:05 Fletcher:
Offering such advices.
"Wakey, wakey."
"Get your socks on."
"Move lovable creatures."
We reply with better knowledge such remarks as.
"Good gracious, is that the time?"

(laughter)

03:16 Fletcher:
"Good morning, sir"
"Who's been having your old lady while you've been on night duty?"

(laughter)

03:23 Mr. Mackay:
Very comical, Fletcher.
Very comical.
8 o'clock, slop up.
8.10, breakfast.
8.15, return to cell.
9 o'clock.
Yes, Fletcher?

03:36 Fletcher:
9 o'clock?
Slop out again, Mr. Mackay.
Followed by work till 11.15.

03:39 Mr. Mackay:
When we exercise.
Walking in pairs.
5 to 6 jogs a par.
No conversing with the pairs in front or behind.
This is followed by the highlight of the day.
Quiet, Fletcher.
I'm asking Heslop.

03:54 Fletcher:
Who?

03:55 Mr. Mackay:
Heslop, you've been inside before?
What is the highlight of the day?

(laughter)

04:05 Heslop:
Visiting hours?

(laughter)

04:09 Mr. Mackay:
We're in Cumberland, man.
Cumberland.
A wild, windswept fell, north of the Pennines.
We are two weeks from Euston.

(laughter)

04:20 Mr. Mackay:
When you see your loved ones, it will be the highlight of the year.

(laughter)

04:27 Fletcher:
Glad you come on.

(laughter)

04:30 Fletcher:
Cause he's gonna be going on

04:31 Mr. Mackay:
Fletcher.

04:32 Fletcher:
Sir.

04:32 Mr. Mackay:
Highlight of the day?

04:34 Fletcher:
Highlight of the day?
Dinner, sir.

04:35 Mr. Mackay:
Which is?

04:36 Fletcher:
Nourishing.

04:36 Mr. Mackay:
Nourishing.
Is it not?

04:38 Fletcher:
Can't wait, sir.

04:39 Mr. Mackay:
Twelve o'clock, midday bang-up.
Not what you think, laddy.
Not what you think.

(laughter)

04:48 Mr. Mackay:
You go back to your cell.
13.00, slop out.
Work, tea, evening association
Which means in principle you follow wide range of recreational activities.
Which in practice means television or Ping-Pong.

05:04 Heslop:
Telly?

05:05 Fletcher:
Yeah telly, only till seven o'clock.
And it's only news and kids' stuff in it.
If you are fond of Z-Cars, I must say forget it.

(laughter)

05:12 Fletcher:
You'll have to get your kicks from the Wombles of bleeding Wimbledon.

(laughter)

05:17 Mr. Mackay:
7.30, slop out, supper.
7.45, lights out.
Any questions?

05:23 Fletcher:
Any point?

05:24 Mr. Mackay:
None whatsoever.

(laughter)

05:27 Mr. Mackay:
At ease.

05:31 Godber:
This is Colditz.

05:32 Fletcher:
Wow.
Colditz.
You joke in a jail.
Compared with this place, Colditz was a doddle like.
A load of public schoolboys all digging up tunnels and playing leapfrog each other.
Come in a line.
No, this is a nick.
You are a voice saying it?
You are a voice saying it.
Slop out, exercise, work, tea, exercise, work, slop out, lights out.
Any question?
Lights go out at 7.45.

05:54 Godber:
Aye.

05:55 Fletcher:
7.45.
But Colditz at that time, they're brewing cocoa and starting the pillow fights, innit?

06:00 Knock on door:

06:01 Fletcher:
Come in.

06:02 Mr Barrowclough:
Oh, sorry.

06:03 Mr. Mackay:
Godber.

(laughter)

06:06 Mr. Mackay:
Who said you could smoke?
Aye?
I say you could smoke?

06:10 Fletcher:
Don't take it you should smoke.

06:12 Godber:
I was trying to give up anyway.

06:15 Fletcher:
I'll help you.

(laughter)

06:18 Mr. Mackay:
I'm leaving you now with Mr Barrowclough.
Oh, and one more thing.
Nice to have you with us.

(laughter)

06:30 Heslop:
My wife was coming next week.

06:33 Fletcher:
Who said that?

06:35 Heslop:
He said once a year.

06:36 Fletcher:
Oh?

06:37 Heslop:
My wife was coming next week.
Allow to me.
Staying overnight with a cousin in Barrow-in-Furness.
Not fair!
Not fair, if she stays there indefinitely.

06:48 Fletcher:
Na!
Not fair on anyone is staying in Barrow-in-Furness, isn't it?

06:51 Mr Barrowclough:
Heslop.

06:52 Heslop:
Sir.

06:53 Fletcher:
Oh, dear.

06:54 Mr Barrowclough:
Oh, would you mind stepping up here, please.
Now, ah, Christian names?

06:58 Heslop:
Cyril.

06:59 Mr Barrowclough:
Mm.
Date of birth?

07:01 Heslop:
First of April

07:03 Fletcher:
Ha ha ha.

(laughter)

07:04 Heslop:
1933.

(laughter)

07:05 Fletcher:
First of April.

(laughter)

07:08 Godber:
Hey, yeah.
What's happening now?

07:12 Fletcher:
Aye?
Oh, we're about to be dehumanised now.
They gonna take away all our possessions.
And they gonna give us a number.
And gonna give us a very strict medical.
Oh, we get a bath in six inches of lukewarm water.
Watch out for the bathhouse cleaners.

07:26 Godber:
Why?

07:27 Fletcher:
A load of trusty poofs work in the bathhouse.

(laughter)

07:31 Godber:
You know all the form, don't you?
You have been here before?

07:34 Fletcher:
No, I never have been here before.
But they're all the same.
Porridge is porridge, innit?

07:39 Godber:
First time for me.
Don't know how I'll get through.

07:41 Fletcher:
Don't you know, could be worse.
The state this country's in, you could be free, couldn't you?
Right?
Ha ha.

(laughter)

07:47 Fletcher:
Stuck outside with no work and a crumbling economy.
Well above that will be.
Nothing to do but go to bed early and increase the population.

(laughter)

07:56 Godber:
Won't be doing that for a while.

07:58 Fletcher:
Ah, that's true, ah.
Yea, I shouldn't say that.
It's a tasteless joke, I know.

08:03 Godber:
And perhaps, I'll feel deprived.
My this fiancee, Denise, was very active in that direction.

08:08 Fletcher:
Was she?
Have to drink a lot of tea, won't you?

(laughter)

08:15 Godber:
What good's a cup of tea gonna do?

(laughter)

08:19 Fletcher:
It's what they put in it, innit?

(laughter)

08:23 Godber:
What?

08:24 Fletcher:
Something which moderate your memories of Denise, shall we say.

08:28 Godber:
I don't drink tea.

08:29 Fletcher:
Oh, gawd.
You are in troubling.

(laughter)

08:33 Fletcher:
So is the chap you share a cell with.

(laughter)

08:38 Godber:
I'll like to throw meself into mailbags.
Don't they do that here?

08:42 Fletcher:
Well, Depends.
They gonna do it.
Oh, dear.
Look at him.

(laughter)

08:48 Fletcher:
Little Red Riding-Socks.
Look at him.

(laughter)

08:52 Fletcher:
Here, I tell you what.
A word of advice, son.
What you tell 'em today conditions how tolerable your life will be here.
Well I mean, in principle if you fancy a nice, cosy job, like in the kitchen or library or governor's office, you've got to invent yourself a new career.

09:06 Godber:
I see.

09:07 Fletcher:
It's why, you see, suppose in principle.

09:09 Mr Barrowclough:
Let's have one of you.

09:11 Fletcher:
Hang on.

09:16 Fletcher:
Two choc-ices, please.

(laughter)

09:20 Mr Barrowclough:
Ah, of course.
It's Fletcher, isn't it?

09:23 Fletcher:
That's right.
Yea, that's right.
Barrowclough, yea.

09:24 Mr Barrowclough:
Christian names?

09:25 Fletcher:
Norman Stanley.

09:26 Mr Barrowclough:
Date of birth?

09:27 Fletcher:
2.2.32.

09:29 Mr Barrowclough:
Next of kin?

09:30 Fletcher:
My lovely Isabel, the little woman.
Ha ha.
Yea, not that she's so little one.
Ha, I said to her the other day.
"Isabel, I'll never get over you."
"I'll have to get up and go round."

(laughter)

09:45 Mr Barrowclough:
Address?

(laughter)

09:46 Fletcher:
Aye?

09:47 Mr Barrowclough:
Address?

09:48 Fletcher:
Address, 107, Alexandra Park Crescent, N5.

09:52 Mr Barrowclough:
Mm, occupation?

09:53 Fletcher:
Librarian during the day.

09:57 Mr Barrowclough:
During the day?

09:58 Fletcher:
Yeah.
At night I was a chef.
Just put me down for the library or the kitchen.
I will manage them.

(laughter)

10:09 Mr. Mackay:
Good morning, Governor.

10:10 Governor:
I'm not sure it is, Mr. Mackay.

10:11 Mr. Mackay:
What's up?

10:12 Governor:
I'm not sure it is.

10:13 Mr. Mackay:
What's wrong?

10:14 Governor:
It's my four-eyed butterfly fish.

10:18 Mr. Mackay:
Four eyes, eh?
Is that the one with four eyes, sir?

10:22 Governor:
No, it's just called that.
Chaetodon capistratus.
Look, there he is.
Over there.

10:26 Mr. Mackay:
Oh.
Poorly, is he, sir?

10:30 Governor:
You noticed.

10:31 Mr. Mackay:
Well, I assumed from your demeanour, sir.

10:33 Governor:
Yes.
Well, I'm very much afraid, Mr Mackay.
He may have developed fin rot.

10:39 Mr. Mackay:
Oh dear, sir.

10:40 Governor:
By the that lymphocystis.

10:41 Mr. Mackay:
Oh, dear, dear.

10:42 Governor:
It's contagious.
You see?
I'll have to isolate little girl.

10:47 Mr. Mackay:
Ah.
Much as I've had to do with Evans.

10:48 Governor:
Evans?

10:49 Mr. Mackay:
Yes.
I had to isolate him again.

10:51 Governor:
Um, what's he done now?

10:53 Mr. Mackay:
Well, sir.
He's been eating up light bulbs.

10:55 Governor:
Light bulbs?

10:56 Mr. Mackay:
Yes.

10:57 Governor:
Did he say why he was eating light bulbs?

10:58 Mr. Mackay:
Yes, he said it was because he couldn't hold any razor-blades.

11:03 Governor:
What you've done to him?

11:04 Mr. Mackay:
Locked him in his cell, having fast step and precaution of removing the light bulb.

11:07 Governor:
Is the MO free?

11:09 Mr. Mackay:
Well, eh, he's very busy with the new arrivals, sir, but I could hurry them through.
Yes.

11:11 Governor:
As quickly as possible, Mr. Mackay.

11:13 Mr. Mackay:
Yea.

11:14 Governor:
This is very urgent situation.

11:16 Mr. Mackay:
I'll get Evans to right away, sir.

11:19 Governor:
I don't mean Evans.
I mean here.

11:20 Mr. Mackay:
Here, sir?

11:21 Governor:
Fin rot can be fatal, Mr Mackay.

(laughter)

11:23 Mr. Mackay:
For the, for the fish.
Right.

11:27 Fletcher:
Here, I will about to tell you.
When you see the doctor, tell him you've got bad feet.

11:30 Godber:
Why?

11:31 Fletcher:
You might get your brothel creepers back soon.

(laughter)

11:34 Fletcher:
Otherwise you'll be stuck with prison boots, see?

11:37 Heslop:
Ha ha ha.

11:38 Fletcher:
And they guarantee to give you bad feet.
Frosty arrive bad.

11:41 Heslop:
Ha ha ha.

11:42 Fletcher:
What are you laughing at?
It's not.
It's absolutely true.
Eh?

11:45 Heslop:
Na, I don't mean that.
I mean that it's funny about your wife being big woman and you having to get up and go round.

(laughter)

11:54 Fletcher:
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, thanks veru much, yeah.
Yeah, he is in for long, isn't he?

(laughter)

12:01 Fletcher:
And remember about your bad feet, right?
Hey, what religion are you?

12:05 Godber:
C of E, I suppose.

12:06 Fletcher:
C of E?
That's no good, could be.
Heck of these.
Everybody's C of E, and I.
You get no perks with that, do you?
Now you wanna be a, you wanna say a Sikh or someone else.
And let you grow your eyebrow.
Or if you say you're a Muslim, you see.
If you're a Muslim, you can get special food sent from outside.

12:21 Godber:
I don't like Chinese food.

(laughter)

12:25 Fletcher:
It's not Chinese.
Muslims aren't Chinese.

12:29 Godber:
What's Muslim food then?

12:30 Fletcher:
Well, it's a.
It's, ah, that's damn sight better than the rubbish you get in here, innit?

(laughter)

12:36 Fletcher:
Stands free.
Otherwise Muslims wouldn't eat it, would they?
Aye?

(laughter)

12:39 Fletcher:
Or you could say you was Jewish.
Yea, that's good idea.
Jews get special food known now.
Yeah, say you're Jewish.
That's good idea.
Oh, no, you can't, can you?
The doctor will examine you and spot the evidence.

(laughter)

12:52 Godber:
Evidence?

12:54 Fletcher:
Yeah, mind you, with Jews the evidence is only circumstantial, innit?

(laughter)

13:01 Fletcher:
I've been circumstanted, right?

(laughter)

13:05 Doctor coughs and mutters:

13:09 Fletcher:
Pardon?

13:10 Doctor coughs:

13:11 Doctor:
Nothing.
I'm the medical officer.

13:14 Doctor coughs:

13:15 Fletcher:
That's very reassuring, innit?
Aye?

13:17 Doctor:
Well, I've got to give you a very stringent medical.
Simple.
We'll ascertain your medical history and state of health.
Right, Fletcher.

13:26 Fletcher:
Mm.

13:30 Doctor:
Ever had crabs?

13:31 Fletcher:
No.

(laughter)

13:34 Fletcher:
No, I don't eat seafood.

(laughter)

13:38 Doctor:
Lice?

13:39 Fletcher:
No.

13:40 Doctor:
VD?

13:42 Fletcher:
No.

(laughter)

13:45 Doctor:
Suffer from any illness?

13:47 Fletcher:
Bad feet.

(laughter)

13:49 Doctor:
Suffer from any illness?

13:50 Fletcher:
Bad feet.

13:52 Doctor:
Paid a recent visit to a doctor or a hospital?

13:54 Fletcher:
Only with me bad feet.

(laughter)

13:59 Doctor:
Are you now or have you anytime been a practising homosexual?

14:03 Fletcher:
What, with these feet?

(laughter)

14:13 Fletcher:
Who'd have me?

(laughter)

14:16 Doctor:
Right.
You're A1.

14:18 Fletcher:
Aye?
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
I can hardly walk here, Doctor.

14:21 Doctor:
Let's you have it.
Everyone in this prison is trying to pull something lying about their feet, their eyesight or their teeth or their appendix.
On top of that, the Governor's got fin rot.

(laughter)

14:37 Fletcher:
He's got what rot?

(laughter)

14:39 Doctor:
Fish.
Tropical bloody fish.

14:41 Fletcher:
Oh, interest of his, is it, fish?

14:44 Doctor:
Obsession.

14:45 Fletcher:
Oh.

14:46 Doctor:
That and pigs.

14:47 Fletcher:
Oh, yeah.

(laughter)

14:51 Doctor:
Yeah, he started.

(laughter)

14:55 Doctor:
Started a prison farm to indulge his interest in livestock.

14:58 Fletcher:
Ah.

14:59 Doctor:
It's the rest of us who have to look after it.

15:01 Fletcher:
Yeah?

15:02 Doctor:
His pigs and his fish and his pet Jersey cow.
I'm a man of medicine, not a vet.
Half the pills here are for animals.
I gave a prisoner with earache pills to dry up his milk.

15:16 Fletcher:
Oh, dear.

(laughter)

15:23 Fletcher:
I say you are run off your feet, aren't you, doc?

15:25 Doctor:
I can't not cope, man.

15:26 Fletcher:
Woud you have bad feet like mine?

15:29 Doctor:
You're A1, I told you.
You see those flasks.
They want you fill one for me.

15:32 Fletcher:
What?
From here?

(laughter)

15:42 Doctor:
Behind the screen.

15:43 Fletcher:
Oh, behind the screen.

15:45 Doctor:
Right, Heslop.

15:46 Heslop:
sir.

15:47 Godber:
Pull that one, didn't you, Fletcher?

15:48 Fletcher:
Oh, what?

15:49 Godber:
Prison shoes, bla.

15:51 Fletcher:
All right, Sonny Jim, all right.
Lose a few.
Lose a few.
I learnt something very important about the Governor Venables.
He likes tropical fish, don't he.
That's another priority for your first day, days.
Know your governor.

16:03 Godber:
Aye, Fletcher.
What does he mean by practising homosexual?

16:07 Fletcher:
One who ain't quite got it right yet.

(laughter)

16:11 Fletcher:
cheer.

(laughter)

16:16 Godber:
Hey, yeah.
Who will we be eating the else tonight?

16:20 Fletcher:
Don't be too much early to move in with the other one.
Right?
A bunch of criminals, they are.

(laughter)

16:25 Fletcher:
Don't eat too much of this eather.
Otherwise, you'll dull your palate for tonight's piece de resistance.

(laughter)

16:32 Godber:
What's it likely to be?

16:33 Fletcher:
Likely, gray, crummy, lumpy and lukewarm, lest was right to be.
I told you to say you was a Muslim.

16:40 Heslop:
Sheep's eyes.

16:41 Fletcher:
Where?
What?

16:42 Heslop:
Sheep's eyes.
What Muslims eat.
Figs, desert, more these things.

16:47 Fletcher:
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, thank you, Lawrence of Arabia.

(laughter)

16:52 Godber:
Hi, why would you put down Muslim?

16:53 Fletcher:
I gonna be waiting.
I gonna be working in the kitchen.
You know, aye?

16:56 Godber:
They haven't allocated us jobs yet.

16:59 Fletcher:
I know, but you see the screw, that tall one standing.
That tall one.
Aye?
Barrowclough.
Looks like Arthur Askey on stilts.

(laughter)

17:06 Fletcher:
We'll cop cop no me and see.
Putty me and see.
You, Senora.

17:10 Godber:
How come?

17:12 Fletcher:
Came up from Brixton, you know.
And I was handcuffed to him.
You're bound to establish a rapport charcoal handcuff removed on a long trip, aren't you?

17:19 Godber:
I'd be most.
Especially when you go to the lavatory.

(laughter)

17:23 Fletcher:
Oh, you got a sense of humour.
Well, that's good.
That'll come in handy here during your grim night may have next two years.

17:29 Godber:
Two years.
I'll go out of me mind night.

17:33 Fletcher:
Look.
Important thing to remember who you once was.
Right?
Just retain a bit of it intact up here.
That's we got to do.
Don't get be bitter militant or try to screw the system, cos it'll only screw you.
Just keep your nose clean, buy the time and do your porridge.
All right?

17:48 Godber:
I'm only here due to tragic circumstances.

17:50 Fletcher:
Oh, which were?

17:51 Godber:
I got caught.

17:52 Fletcher:
Ha ha.

(laughter)

17:55 Fletcher:
Yeah, we've all suffered few tragedies like that.

17:57 Godber:
Nice, my fiancee, Denise.
She's got nice flat tower rocky smety.
Well, it's her mam's one.
Very nice - overlooks the M6.

18:04 Fletcher:
Oh, lovely.

18:05 Godber:
I thought I'd get her some nice things to reply.
I thought collecting from nearby flats.
Then nearby flats gotten.
I did the flat next door, cos I knew he'd be fly by.
Because he'd drive jog road west east to Brussels.

18:16 Fletcher:
Yeah.

18:17 Godber:
And he got a puncture just outside Coventry.
Come home and kicked me head in.

(laughter)

18:22 Heslop:
Ramsgate.

18:24 Fletcher:
What?

18:26 Heslop:
Took the wife.

18:28 Fletcher:
Took the wife where, Mr Heslop?

18:29 Heslop:
To see Lawrence of Arabia.

(laughter)

18:33 Heslop:
It was raining sea.
Couldn't go on the beach.
Ramsgate.
Took her to the pictures.

18:38 Fletcher:
Rains a lot in Ramsgate?

(laughter)

18:41 Heslop:
Rained the next day.

18:42 Fletcher:
I told you, would not?

18:44 Heslop:
She'd seen the other cinema, so we had to come home.
Although we did stop for a cup of tea at her sister's in Sidcup.

18:54 Fletcher:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

(laughter)

18:56 Fletcher:
Why don't you put that on a picture postcard and send it to Tony Blackburn's Magic Moments?

(laughter)

19:01 Heslop:
What?

19:02 Fletcher:
You know the thing on the miss about not sharing selve with you two is the cotton thrust into your intellectual conversation.

19:08 Godber:
Won't we be together?

19:10 Fletcher:
No, I'll have me own cell.
I don't like sharing people.
I don't like dominoes and cribbage and people's sweaty feet.

(laughter)

19:18 Godber:
I'd prefer single cell, cos I wanna study.

19:20 Fletcher:
Study?

19:21 Godber:
Yeah.
I've had education, got O-level of geography.

19:23 Fletcher:
Have you?
That'll come be handy, won't it?

(laughter)

19:26 Fletcher:
If you are the escape party, bound to be on, cos you'll know the way to Carlisle station.

(laughter)

19:33 Godber:
Interesting Geography's.
Two part education.

19:35 Fletcher:
I know, but you can't use it, can you?
You can't get career out of it, can you?
I mean only person learn geography is a chap to teach other person geography, innit?

(laughter)

19:44 Fletcher:
I mean it doesn't any good use knowing the capital of Siam, or what an isthmus is?
Aye?

19:49 Godber:
I could use Geography.
I could learn a trade, they said.

19:52 Fletcher:
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, in theory, yeah.
Yeah, you can, you can come out of here with a diploma in some of honorable occupation like house decorating or shoe repairing.
Yeah, yeah.
Or you can become a welder.
There's a riveting profession.
Ha, get it?
get it?

20:07 Heslop:
What?

20:08 Fletcher:
Never mind.
Just keep eating.

20:12 Godber:
Won't I be able to learn a trade then?

20:15 Fletcher:
Well, there's a lot of things you can learn in here.
Yeah, yeah, being expert.
Yeah, like stealing a car, opening to say.
Forging a bank-note.
Yeah, chap like Charlie Mossop, I was in Maidstone with.
He was a first offendering, he was.
But finally came out as a brilliant forger.
Brilliant.
He only went in for reckless driving.

(laughter)

20:33 Godber:
I'm fed up with crime.
I want to go straight.

20:39 Fletcher:
How old are you, son?

20:40 Godber:
23.

20:41 Fletcher:
23 and you want to go straight?
Um, what kind of talk is that, aye?
You've got your whole life before you may.

20:47 Heslop:
What's an isthmus?

20:49 Fletcher:
Eh, aye?

(laughter)

20:51 Fletcher:
An isthmus is a thing in geography, all right?
It's a geographical thing.
The, ah, a use of term for geography.

20:58 Godber:
It's a strip of land.
Joing together to large piece of land.

21:00 Fletcher:
A strip of land, all right?

21:02 Godber:
Education.

21:03 Fletcher:
I'm not saying don't put down for educational classes.
I'M putting down for current affairs and pottery.
You get an hour in a warm classroom and maybe a lady teacher.
See a bit of thigh when she drops her chalk.
Nothing wrong with education, mate.
Fag? Ta.
Here. We're not being rude.
It's just that snout's like gold here.
You was mad to give us them. But you took 'em. Of course. You've got to learn the hard way, haven't you?. You're not Paul Getty. Just light one and share it round.
That's the idea.
Drink up, lads. What's next? We've got to see the Governor.
Clear all this up and put that fag out.
Oh.
All right.
Waste not, want not. Here. I said you've got to learn the hard way. Clear up and clear off.
Erdid you manage to get what I asked for? There wasn't much in the library - just this booklet, "Know Your Tropical Fish".
Oh, that's nice.
It's a hobby of mine.
Oh, it's the Governor's hobby too.
Really?. I'd never have guessed.
He likes all animals.
He's on the local committee of the RSPCA.
I think he'd be better off running a zoo.
Caged animals, you see.
We're all the same.
Talking of cages, I must be on me own, cos I don't like sharing.
This boy's OK, but he sniffs a lot.
Heslop's not on my intellectual level.
I don't think he's on anybody's level.
If the Governor did start a zoo, HE'D be in it. "What's an isthmus?." Fletcher, you've got to understand that I'm a prison officer and you're a prisoner.
You must recognise that relationship.
I'm not here to be cajoled or coerced into doing whatever you want. Of course not. Would I ever?. Well, as long as that's clearly understood.
Yes.
Come on now. Speed up. Pick your legs up in front. Cobblers.
Let them in, Mr Barrowclough. Lead in, Fletcher. Left, right, left. Stand in front of the Governor. Stomach in, chest out. Fletcher, Godber, Heslop, sir.
Thank you.
Now you men have been sent here for varying offences and sentences.
This is not a top-grade security prison.
You are C-class prisoners.
But if any of you abuse the less stringent security measures here, you will find that we are on you like a ton of Fletcher. Are you listening? Face the front. I couldn't help noticing your tropical fish.
It's a hobby of mine.
Really? All right. Sorry, Mr Mackay, but there's one thing bothering me.
What is bothering you? I think your four-eyed butterfly fish has got a touch of fin rot, sir.
You're crafty, you are.
Hang on a minute.
I'm reading a report the Governor lent me.
He fell for your interest in animals. I told you what you said today would condition how your life here would be.
I think my O-level impressed him.
On your feet, lads. It's been an exciting day. Godber, your shoes, by courtesy of the MO.
How did you work that? I said I had flat feet.
Which he believed.
Godber still has some credibility.
Now, we're going to break you up.
One of you is moving to a single.
Quite right.
Not so fast, Fletcher.
Eh? Godber, get your things.
Godber?. He's gonna have a cell on his own?. The Governor thought it would be easier to study.
I didn't fancy sharing - no offence.
Are you gonna leave me here with the Brain of Britain?. All right. There'll be three of you.
We're moving Evans in here.
Not Evans?. Not that Welsh lunatic who eats electric light bulbs?. Only when he can't get razor-blades.
Oh, dear.
Permission to grow a beard? Jobs - kitchen - Godber.
Oh, that'll be nice - all warm, and second helpings.
Library - Heslop.
Library?. Him?. He's illiterate. Look here. I read a book once. Green, it was.
See what I mean? Listen, why has HE got the kitchen? He should be breaking rocks, first go.
This is victimisation. Look, I'm an old hand.
I should have a job befitting my seniority.
Special duties. What? Special duties.
Who's the Governor's blue-eyed boy? Oh, THEM special duties. Well, we did establish a certain rapport.
It was cemented by our interest in all creatures bright and beautiful.
You're the man he's been waiting for.
That's all right then. Kitchen - Godber.
Eat your heart out. Green. Morning, Fletcher.
Morning, sir.
I like to place a man in a job where he gets fulfilment.
Fulfilment? Yes.
Thank you, sir.
Did you finish that article in the Farmer's Weekly? No, I didn't, sir.
I would have done, only Evans ate it.

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